On Gender and mumblings

I haven’t written anything here in a little while on account of fighting my way out of the back end of a degree and then experiencing a kind of anxiety around returning to blogging (writing anxiety strikes again). However, on a day when not many people are around I find myself coming back to my blog in order to spew my gender feelings into the vacant void of the internet in the hopes of coming to some kind of resolution, I guess, while I write these words. I tried washing up, I tried listening to music whilst sitting on my sofa and yet I couldn’t get these thoughts to go away on their own, but I am still at the point in my life in which speaking these words to another person seems terrifying (but yelling them at the internet is apparently fine.. although having said that I have almost deleted this post a number of times at this point).

Gender musings and mumblings seem to be becoming more and more intrusive into my brain at the moment, although I am not quite sure why. It could perhaps be something to do with the fact that despite having been medically transitioned for a number of years, and by medically transitioned I mean that I was on testosterone until a year or two ago and had top surgery, I have entered into another stage in my life where I appear to be very confusing for other people. At some point my medical records at the doctors seems to have magically changed from Mr to Mx without being told or asked (although tbh it doesn’t bother me at all), and when walking in my local area last week I had to endure a parent with two children having a screaming match about whether I was a boy or a girl (the mother awkwardly telling her children off because I was clearly a man whilst her children screamed the street down telling her that I was clearly a lady).

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Reclaiming a Genderqueer identity?

For the past month or so, I’ve been debating a lot as to what I envisaged my first post being on this new blog. I imagined it being a lot of different things. A cop out ‘about me’. An in-depth look at my recent conversion to vegetarianism, situated within the wider context of the mass meat industry. The lamentations of a third year undergraduate on the cusp of graduating who has many mixed feelings about the ‘university experience’. I pictured it being all of these things over and over again but none of them ever felt quite right. I knew I wanted it to be something about me but couldn’t think what. But finally, at 2.30am on a Sunday night it has come to me. What could be more personal and more intrinsic to myself than my gender identity?

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